Planting Yourself through Ritual on the Autumn Equinox
I love to mark the change of seasons with simple rituals that are created spontaneously with Mother Nature, symbolising whatever my life is calling for in that moment. Rituals are an act of empowerment, a tangible way of marking the sacred gateways that punctuate our lives.
If you’re in a time of release, maybe letting go to make room for the unknown because something more is inviting you forward from the depths of your soul - you might want to echo this feeling with a meaningful gesture, allowing the energy of this season to support your life. Rituals can support us in connecting to nature, and to hear the whispers of guidance as we too move through cycles and inner seasons.
Two years ago almost exactly, I entered a crumbling of life as I’d known it. The life I’d actively created and pursued no longer felt true to who I had become. I’d spent years dreaming of leaving London for the Sussex countryside, holding a vision of walking lush hilly landscapes and moving my practice to the expansive beauty of nature’s embrace. My heart would sing to me as soon as I’d get close to it, the most tangible expansive feeling that confirmed how good this dream was for me on every level. And then finally life aligned and I leapt in that dream’s direction, taking my little family out of the familiar city of big smoke into the unknown magic of a medieval town called Lewes, windswept in fresh coastal air. So many unintended changes would soon follow… the lease on our London studio (the Temple of Alchemies) ended a month later (a spontaneous decision that surprised me and my business partner but felt right in the post-pandemic haze), and a week after that ending, my marriage and relationship of seventeen years ended too. Sometimes we move towards a dream only to find that step was a catalyst for an even bigger one to emerge. Within two months I had a new home, a new town, a new community, a new schedule of time with my child, a changed business, and a new life. Some of the boxes hadn’t even been unpacked yet.
At times it felt like a giant wrecking ball was suspended over my head, swinging unforgivingly to clear the way for some uncertain future. It was a crumbling. I knew to trust it, but I needed all the support of Mother Nature to hold me through it. So I walked with her, kissing the ground beneath me with each step. The way she held me was so amplified when I would slow down and simply notice the ground beneath me. Taking solo mindful walks became a necessary medicine, in a dose of no less than 2-4 hours every single day. I discovered the natural beauty of life. The wisdom of surrender. The path of acceptance. The healing of nature. And what self-compassion actually looks like.
On the heels of all of this, my stepfather whom I loved dearly (a fellow Reiki teacher and absolute delight of a human) caught covid and died suddenly. The day of his funeral, which I watched over Zoom from the platform of Reading station (it’s a strange time), I was making my way to a five day silent retreat at Sharpham House in Devon. Nothing can hide in extended silence. Your inner voice will reveal everything about your state of consciousness to you. In the penetrating communal silence, I ate meals awkwardly at first - where do you look when you’re in a room of thirty silent strangers? But I leaned into it, and gratitude slowly rose as the awkwardness became friendly. As we ate, looking mostly at our plates and savouring each bite, I watched the expressions all around me mirroring the signs of processing, pain, grief and frustration on day 3. Then a moment of sheer delight rose up that made me giggle to myself. That inner voice started singing a new tune. “AH!” It said, “I AM ALIVE!” I had an image of leaping up onto the round, white table in a ridiculous and spectacular display of epiphany. “Don’t you guys get it?! We’re alive! ALIVE!!! Life is a gift! Look around you - this is the greatest show on Earth! It’s happening NOW! YOU ARE ALIVE!” I found something hilarious and vibrant in all that weighted silence. The perfection of that moment came into view. The gift of life, amidst all the grief of letting go, became so loud. In that profound stillness, the volume of life got turned way up.
Instead of breaking the peace for others, I went out into the abundant landscape and made simple rituals to express it all, feeling so seen and so raw and so real on that sprawling woodland that hugs the River Dart. I was in the liminal space, the in-between. No longer a caterpillar but not quite a butterfly. I was still in the mushy goo of transformation. On the morning of Imbolc, I went to the river’s edge, finding a hidden place where only the geese would gather. The guilt I’d been carrying for ending my marriage had such gravity that morning. It came with an ample amount of fear too, not knowing what would come next or how I’d manage being a single mother who had just leapt away from the city that had generously held my business. I stood there on the muddy bank, and said to Mother Earth, who is always listening - I’m ready to release this guilt and fear. Please support me. I waited for an answer. Still and heavy, I did nothing but await her guidance. A soft whisper came, ‘find something simple to represent what you wish to release and give it to me, let the river cleanse your heart’. I felt tears come in response. They rose as a gift from my own deep well of healing waters. They came unannounced, an offering my body made to commune with the body of nature.
From my left eye, I wiped a tear containing guilt from my cheek and placed it in the river, where the water swallowed it whole.
From my right eye, a tear full of fear moved onto my hand, where it slid slowly off my finger, vanishing into the current.
As I said thank you, I felt a lightness. I felt understood. I felt the acceptance of what was. And I felt a surrender, at last. I’d let go. As the ripples slowly faded, the tightness and anxiety in my heart dissolved. “Thank you” she said. She was happy to receive me. She wanted my salty tears. I felt her gratitude for that moment of connection. And I felt the release. That inner voice began chanting: I am free, I am free, I am free.
The next day I had no plan, I just wanted to enjoy the tall cedar trees along the river’s edge and feel my feet on the surface of this beautiful world. I allowed my senses to fill with the magic of nature. It was bliss. I was alone but not at all lonely with the presence of life so apparent - the scurrying creatures under the leaves, the birds with all their songs, and the fish leaping to show me the playfulness in life’s flowing grace. My siblings. I skipped along the path. And then I caught sight of that hollow on my finger where my too-tight wedding ring used to be. I saw not a void at all but a space - space for me to be who I am. To be known, to be seen, and to be felt. I paused to soak that in. Rather than a sad absence, that carved out space now looked like a joyful invitation. And with nature as my witness, I made vows to myself. Right there. No tools, no potions, no incense - just me, my heart, and all of nature. For the first time in months, I felt the possibility of new life on its way. I was finally with myself, devoted to myself, and knowing of who I truly was. I removed the green tourmaline ring that I’d bought for my 40th birthday from my right hand and slipped it onto my left. I’m not engaged to myself - I am married to her. I felt it slip into place, onto the hand I write these words with, the one connected to my heart, to the feminine, to my soul. And I said, “I vow to be here for you, to listen to you, and to honour and cherish you. I promise to nurture you, to care for you, and to see you and know you. I promise to live a life that is true to you.” And with that gesture I married my human self to my soul. The birds erupted in chorus to celebrate. I smiled, I danced, I laughed, and skipped back to the meditation mat waiting for me in that glorious silent house.
A time of rather intense healing followed that retreat. I went deep into therapy, I anchored into mindfulness, and I fostered my relationships with a growing community of women. I made peace with life as it was. It took separation to find my wholeness. But I did find it.
I write this now from my desk which overlooks the velvety curves of the South Downs. I’m home. Life renewed itself and that giant wrecking ball storm was replaced with bright sun and new flowering growth. My roots grow ever deeper while my heart is open. And I’m in love. That time of release that felt like an eternal winter shifted into a welcoming spring, bringing with it the most joyful, truest, beautiful version of my life yet. These simple rituals marked the transitions as a way for me to receive nature’s medicine, connecting to a tangible sacredness that is always moving through our lives. We just need to pause and notice. Those times of crumbling have a way of pointing us to what is indestructible and everlasting - the core of our essence, and the joy that lives far below everything else that’s held there. We can use rituals to honour each step as important ones. They are a way to express to the Universe what we most appreciate. And to ask nature’s wisdom to guide us when we need support. In ritual you can release, you can cast intentions, and you can count your blessings. You can enter an intimate ceremony created intuitively just for you.
I invite you to go out in nature, wherever you most feel drawn to go, and speak to her. Communicate with her in a way that feels natural, and allow your truth to rise up to your conscious awareness. Feel how held you are in that. Feel how sacred you are. Feel the embrace of life. You might gather seeds, placing your intention into them before releasing them to the wind. You might whisper your wishes into a tree. You might lay belly down on the ground and hug the earth, feeling her hugging you back. You might just sit on a hill and speak to her from your heart. Ask for whatever medicine you need, even if you can’t quite articulate it, and listen for the response.
Sending you many blessings for this season of magic and transformation ✨✨✨
